We need more celebrities in politics

We have been betrayed. Our hero is once again refusing the greatness due to him and asking us to settle for the mediocre.

Chuck Norris, we need you!

If you haven’t heard yet, then here’s your newsflash with a nice roundhouse kick to the face. According to The Associated Press, Chuck Norris has endorsed Gov. Mike Huckabee, R-Ark., for president. Huckabee’s a nice guy to be sure. He’s funny in the debates and doesn’t think killing babies ought to be the national pastime. Still, has Huckabee ever knocked out 20 guys at once? Has anyone ever feared that the eyes of Huckabee are upon them? Absolutely not. People fear the eyes of Walker, Texas Ranger.

We can imagine Chuck Norris driving onto the White House lawn in that Dodge truck he drove. After parking, he could beat the Secret Service, scare Iraq and Iran into submission and then finally declare the Chucktatorship that we have all so desperately sought.

With all the celebrities involved in politics, it’s not that unthinkable. My colleague, Eric Freeman Jr., wrote on Oct. 23 about Stephen Colbert’s entry into the presidential race in South Carolina. Just this past weekend, Louisiana had the option to elect country crooner Sammy Kershaw for lieutenant governor. Kershaw’s campaign gave us all joy because it gave us a chance to listen to “She Don’t Know She’s Beautiful.” Granted, 57 percent of Louisiana voted for incumbent Mitch Landrieu despite Sammy telling us we were unwittingly pretty, but we enjoyed the excitement.

This got me thinking: if all these celebrities can be involved in politics, what celebrities are we missing? I’ve compiled a list of celebrities who would make politics exciting:

Les Miles: I know, it’s the obvious pick. But, Miles has shown a wonderful ability to make decisions under extreme pressure. He’s managed to take a team that’s had some troubles and injuries and get them to a No. 3 BCS ranking. Imagine watching Les Miles make decisions all while wearing a poorly fitted white hat with an American flag on it. The only drawback is bills he would sponsor couldn’t really get started until the second half of the session. Still, Miles would have the ability to remedy some injustices – namely, that Auburn scum who chop blocked Glen Dorsey. He would find himself fed to Mike the Tiger before the Homecoming game. God bless America, land of the free and home of the Tigers.

Tim Tebow: This is a selfish one. I just want Tebow in the news every day so I could write a column every week making fun of him, culminating in the opportunity to vote against him in an election.

Simon Cowell: America needs to be told that it sucks. We’re like the 17-year-old screeching with our belief that the culmination of human civilization can be found in Wal-Mart, Starbucks and the Backstreet Boys. Simon Cowell is the man to tell us that. After deporting Paula Abdul and executing the Backstreet Boys, he would be in prime position to tell every country exactly how badly they screwed up, culminating with a Ryan Seacrest special on the Middle East.

Darth Vader: Is Darth Vader a fictional character? You said yes? I find your lack of faith disturbing. Of course Darth Vader is a real person! If there’s anything we know, it’s that if it’s in a movie, it really happened. If we could get Trindon Holliday to run back in time and fetch us Lord Vader, American politics would be so much cooler. No longer would we have politicians worrying about “should I wear the red tie to make me look strong and firm or the blue tie to make me look sensitive and caring?” There is only one color with Lord Vader: black.

The force that Vader could employ in bringing about the Galatic Empire would be an incredible sight to behold. Sure, some are scared that we would lose our rights and our lives would be controlled by faceless stormtroopers. But then again, take the advice Michael Scott of “The Office” to heart. When you hear Big Brother, think “Wow, I like my Big Brother.”

Last but not least, under Vader we would get rid of that cheesy “Hail to the Chief” tune. We would have “The Imperial March” playing every time Vader got off Air Force One, which would now be a TIE fighter. If you don’t want that, then the terrorists have won.

Even with this impressive list of candidates, I still want Chuck Norris. No one else makes Waldo hide, slams a revolving door and has a hand that can beat a royal flush. I want Walker, American President in 2008. Remember, a vote for Chuck is a vote not to get punched in the face. That’ll get people to the polls.

By Michael Denton

The Daily Reveille

Louisville State University