Don’t be a Hallo-weenie, scare up some fun

With Halloween looming just around the corner (along with scary men in hockey masks holding chainsaws) you need to figure out what you’re going to do for this freakish fall festivity. And according to most of our birth certificates, the prospect of marching door-to-door in some random costume for sweet treats and the occasional trick has become trite and downright embarrassing. Don’t fret, The Northerner has got your back again. Here are some Halloween events that will be nothing but treats.

Halloween Bash 2007 The Poison Room

If you’re jonesing for some great local music, look no further than The Poison Room, located at 301 West Fifth Street in downtown Cincinnati. This event is for all ages. The official title of this All Hallows Eve bash is “Black Tie A Scare,” derived from the headlining act, Black Tie Affair. Along with the BTA boys, there will be additional performances by The Upset Victory, The Winners Circle, Johnuh, Holcomb, Harvey, The Menzingers, The Middle Fork and The Holy Mess as well as Machree. And if that isn’t enough to lure you into The Poison Room, Chris Durand from Scream 2 and Halloween H20: 20 Years Later will be there to sign autographs and take pictures with horror film enthusiasts. Tickets are $8 presale and $10 at the door. The doors will open at 7 p.m. and the head banging begins at 8 p.m.

Newport on the Levee For the 21-and-older crowd, there’s always Newport on the Levee’s array of bars and clubs to get you into the Halloween spirit. These establishments in Newport will have a smorgasbord of drinks and debauchery to impress any collegiate pumpkin head. However, if it’s music that you seek while on the Levee, check out Jefferson Hall. There will be live music by Tommy Tsunami and the Suicide Surfers, a cover band that plays songs no other cover bands will play, and people love it. J. Hall’s cover charge is $5 and the music starts at 10 p.m. However, if live music isn’t your cup of tea, there’s always Jeff Ruby’s Tropicana, an award-winning eatery by day and a dance club by night. It just so happens that Halloween night is ladies night at Tropicana. There will be special $1.50 drinks for ladies, a live DJ as well as shirtless male bartenders for the ladies’ visual entertainment.

USS Nightmare

Back for its 16th terrifying season, this is the local haunted steamboat we all know and love: the USS Nightmare. This year’s haunted path is longer than before and the overall time spent aboard this diabolical dinghy is 30 to 40 minutes. It will be open from Sept. 28 through Nov. 3. Tours are on Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday from 7 to 11 p.m., and Friday and Saturday from 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. Tickets for this haunted ride are $15, but if you hate waiting you can purchase an advanced ticket at for $20 that will sneak you ahead of the lines to enjoy the tour.

Stay home

If the world of rock shows, bars, clubs and haunted houses doesn’t interest you, there’s always staying home and scaring yourself silly with a classic horror film or two. “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Halloween,” “The Amityville Horror” or “The Exorcist” always seem to do the trick. And if those don’t work, you can always pass out candy to the neighborhood kids. It may not sound like fun, but there may be some outrageously funny costumes out there, and you get to eat all the candy you want without anyone telling you that you’ve had enough.

Don’t do it

When all else fails you can always spend your Halloween running around a local neighborhood harassing small animals and children. However, if you get arrested or beaten up, don’t call The Northerner office to complain, we gave you better suggestions.