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The Northerner

In my opinion

Joseph Szydlowski

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I can’t believe it. People tried to warn me, and I didn’t listen. I ignored their pleas and petitions. My conservative friends begged me not to see it, but I thought I would be OK. I was wrong. I think seeing “Brokeback Mountain” turned me gay. Based on a short story by E. Annie Proulx, the movie centers on how two cowboys’ relationship tragically develops over the years. The film begins with them herding sheep until, one romantically-intoxicating night, they discover they are in love. And they make love, although the audience only sees about a minute or two of it. So, the gay agenda has become so powerful that only a minute or two of watching two men embrace turns people gay! My God. They’ve been warning us all along, even though most Americans haven’t been listening. But, at least I’m not alone. Others have been seduced by Brokeback’s hypnotic powers. Stephen Bennett, host of “Straight Talk Radio,” has experienced the diabolical power of this film firsthand. He said that he received a call from a gay listener who had decided to leave his family after seeing the movie. Bennett predicts more will follow suit. But the gay agenda has become even more powerful than most Americans realize. Michael Marcavage, head of the evangelical organization Repent America, knows just how powerful gays are. He claims that the gay agenda is responsible for Hurricane Katrina, saying that “this act of God destroyed a wicked city,” blaming the ‘Southern Decadence Festival,’ a gay parade, for bringing the wrath of a vengeful god. Yes! Obviously, it was the gay agenda that destroyed the levees, isolated the refugees and set up an insanely complex bureaucracy with an idiotic crony as director. I bet the gays even did a Native American rain dance to call the hurricane! But before Marcavage understood the full power of the gay agenda, others tried to save America from the horrors of tolerance. Dr. James Dobson, who founded the conservative group Focus on the Family, discovered a horrible secret early in 2005. The gay agenda was targeting children with the popular SpongeBob SquarePants! Yes, the asexual sponge is homosexual. The gay agenda was apparently trying to teach kids that different isn’t necessarily bad. Oh, the humanity! Won’t somebody please think of the children? Of course, Dobson was strong-armed by the tyrannical liberals into telling the truth, admitting that the video itself was “harmless.” It was that the “agenda behind it is sinister.” But the gay agenda has done even worse acts to America. Jerry Falwell, the founder of the Moral Majority movement and visionary who discovered why Tinky-Winky from the Teletubbies carried a purse, declared after the Sept. 11 attacks that the gays and lesbians were responsible for Sept. 11. Forget Afghanistan. We should have invaded San Francisco. Of course, the pagans’, abortionists’ and feminists’ agendas also pitched in, according to Falwell. Oh, and the American Civil Liberties Union. Guess the gay agenda still needed help. But now, the gay agenda is standing on its own two feet. With our phenomenal powers over hurricanes, theaters and children’s programming, it’s clear that no one can stop us now! The gay agenda even has business cards. We have become the dominant force in America. All we have to do now is sit back and wait. Oh, and win the three branches of the government back from Republicans. And most state and local levels, too. Also, getting rid of the anti-marriage amendments strewn across this nation is a must. But first people need to stop giving pundits such as Robertson and Falwell the respect they do not deserve. Americans must realize that the queerest people aren’t Boy George and Elton John. No, the weirdest people are the ones who say that gays can cause hurricanes and terrorist attacks simply by living. They certainly deserve credit for their ideas, but not respect. Joseph Szydlowski Journalism Sophomore

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
In my opinion