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The Northerner

In my opinion

Del Weldon

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OK kids, it’s cold out and we all need a fun “indoor” activity for this winter. A popular one seems to be going to the movies, which I, too, enjoy. However, I do have some suggestions for the movie industry to make our experiences better, and I’d like to share them with you.

The first issue I would address is the price of a movie ticket. Now an average movie ticket will typically run you between $8 and $10, which is, of course, because of Hurricane Katrina. Now, I am personally one of those cheap friends you have that will only go to see a movie when it goes to the $1.75 Super Saver Cinema, which is the movie equivalent of a generic grocery store.

You know those places. It’s the place where you can get a pound of “turkey” for $.99, “bacon” for $1.50 and “food poisoning” free. They also have all slightly outdated items, like for instance, last week I went in and they had JUST GOTTEN Mr. T Cereal (I got three boxes).

Anyway, going to the cheap movies is like that. Sure you save money, but by the time you see the movie you want, all your friends have already seen it, the sequel is already out, and the child actress that stars in it has already developed a cocaine addiction and is on the cover of The Globe dancing on the bar at The Viper Room. So obviously, my first suggestion is to develop skid proof bar tops so she won’t fall off, oh, and lower ticket prices.

Secondly, movies are way too hit and miss. I would estimate only about one out of every four movies I see are good, meaning the other three movies have Ben Affleck in them. My suggestion for this is simple: REFUNDS. If the movie is truly horrible, and you’ve just wasted two hours of your life you will never get back, the head of the studio himself should stand outside and give you your money back, or you should get to punch Affleck in the stomach.

Finally, I would like to address the movie industry itself. It seems that movie makers these days have gotten far too concerned with rushing out a flashy, CG-drenched film with big stars and big promotion but no real substance. In their mad dash to throw out a shiny package with not much inside, they have gotten away from what truly makes American cinema stand head and shoulders above the rest of the world. Of course, I’m talking about explosions and hot chicks.

This simple yet effective formula can be traced back to the very first black and white “talkie” in 1921. The movie had just wrapped and something seemed to be missing. History was changed forever when the director cut out the final piece of Shakespearean dialogue and blew up a hot chick. Everyone loved it.

And so, movie-maker studio guys, I urge you to follow the simple steps above, and make our movie going experience all it can be. Just remember, if you have finished your movie, and you need just a little something to really cap it off, check out The Globe; there’s a hot chick dancing on a bar somewhere just waiting to be blown up.

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
In my opinion