Shopping for Survival

If you have had the distinct pleasure of having been run over by a shopping cart piloted by a madwoman on a mission for the last $50 DVD player at Target, you realize that the holiday shopping season is upon us. Now, being a battle-hardened survivor of 26 of these seasons, I have developed some survival tips that I will share with you in the hopes that you too may learn to survive the shopping season (or at least come out with nine of 10 fingers intact).

Rule 1: DO NOT GO SHOPPING. Stay indoors and look sheepishly out the curtains every now and then. When Christmas morning comes, run into the living room in a Dracula costume and act surprised when you are told it isn’t Halloween.

Rule 2: If you must shop, avoid days like “Black Friday” or the like. “Black Friday” is an actual term used by the media to describe the day after Thanksgiving. However, even the term “Black Friday” was not enough to keep even one person home and there were approximately 12 people BURIED IN THE LINOLEUM at the J.C. Penney in Florence because support hose were 10 percent off.

Rule 3: BUY CRAPPY GIFTS. Do not go for the most popular items. They will either be sold out or you will have to fist fight a large woman with seven children attached to various parts of her for them. Instead, go straight to aisle 17b and buy your wife or girlfriend that shiny putty knife she always wanted (hey, who doesn’t want a putty knife?).

Rule 4: This is for those who absolutely, positively must participate fully in holiday shopping during peak business hours, going toe-to-toe for the best gifts in the store. I liken these people to the Hun. The Hun would travel from town to town, burning a swath through the land causing massive destruction, and then stab each other for the last “Tickle Me Elmo.” If you choose to go into battle, be sure to stretch thoroughly, wear comfortable shoes, and use your purse as a weapon of mass destruction.

All right, there it is. Good luck and happy holiday shopping. If you follow my advice, you just might come out of the shopping season OK. Me, I’ll be hiding indoors, getting my Dracula costume ready.