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The Northerner

Late-night TV wastes time

Matt Stanton

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College students watch a lot of late night television. It is in our nature. When you are busy doing schoolwork, TV is a nice way to relax and chill out. Cable television, especially, has many choices for the viewer who needs something to fall asleep to.

When you have many choices, you also have many “wrong choices.” This weekend I was stuck at my house and I found a laundry list of “wrong choices.”

ESPN is a channel that just says pure man. It is sports entertainment at its finest. Unfortunately, in the a.m. hours, it loses its luster. My roommate and I were sitting back enjoying some adult beverages. We flip on ESPN, and what do we see: “The World Championships of Arm Wrestling.” You bet pandemonium ensued.

“This is stupid,” I told my roommate. “Who watches this?”

Dustin replied, “I know, change it. Where is the remote?”

The remote was not in viewing distance, and as I said earlier, we had been drinking. Needless to say, we watched the entire competition.

“There is no way Gonzalez can beat Wesley. He is too tough off of the start.”

“Shut up, you are crazy. He has got that sweet quarter wrist twist move in his back pocket.”

Silence.

“Oh my God, we are arguing about an arm wrestling event.” We had hit a new low in our lives.

The worst of all late-night television evils has to be Lifetime. Lifetime is a network full of mind-numbing filth. The station should change its name from Lifetime to Waste of Time because that is what it is. Why must every Lifetime original movie involve a mother or daughter getting beat up or kidnapped? Don’t these women ever get a puppy, or win the lottery? Apparently, the modern woman only gets the crap kicked out of her and lives miserably with a husband that watches NASCAR and drinks beer all day. If you are that dumb to marry a man like that, maybe you deserve to fall down the stairs.

Real women wouldn’t put up with that. They would want to be with real men, like writers of The Northerner named Matt Stanton. Wink, wink ladies.

Next time you are sitting in your room drunk, eating Doritos, stop and think, “Is TV rotting my brain?” Look up, and if you are watching the Girl’s Gone Wild infomercial for the 10th time this month, maybe you should read a book.

Keep it real Norse, and study with caution.

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
Late-night TV wastes time