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The Northerner

Holiday focuses on women

Matt Stanton

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For some, Feb. 14 is a day set aside by the American culture to celebrate those special people that you love. For others, it is a day to complain about how it is a Hallmark holiday.

No matter what your stance is on the issue, there is one thing that everyone can agree on; there is no escaping it.

The day isn’t for couples, don’t lie to yourself, it is for women. If it was up to men, it would be cold beer and free lap dance day. If you mess up Valentine’s Day with your girlfriend, there will be hell to pay.

Chris Rock said, “Women only need three things to survive: food, water and compliments.”

The truth of this statement is scary. Valentine’s Day is a compliment women festival. That is why women live longer than men. Scientists say it is because of stress, which is partly true. Men have more stress trying to think of new compliments for their women.

All women should come with compliment gauges like how cars come with gas gages. Everyday you could check your girlfriend’s neck. “Ah, I better be good, she’s at a quarter tank.”

Valentine’s Day can buy you a few weeks of free fuel.

Some guys realize how important this is. They have to lay out blue prints weeks in advance and set up appointments with consultants and bodyguards. They get the consultants to ensure success and the bodyguards for protection in case of failure.

Other guys think, “Oh, that’s not me, I have a cool girl. She doesn’t care about stuff like that.”

I say to you sir, you are in crazy girl denial. She may not say something at first, but she won’t forget. Women are like elephants, they never forget. You mess up Valentine’s Day and they say they don’t care, but they won’t forget. Time passes, and everything is going cool, but then comes the day you get blind-sided by the semi-truck of women’s rage.

“Hey, Lisa, I got you these flowers. Where do you want them?”

BOOM!

“Oh, now you want to give me flowers. Where were you two months ago on Valentine’s Day, jerk?”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, you know what. Where can you put the flowers? I have a place …”

The best thing to do in this situation is cover your crotch.

If you are alone for Valentine’s Day, don’t worry about it. Be happy that you can’t screw it up. On Feb. 15, you may be the envy of many broken men. Practice for those Valentine’s Days that you aren’t single. It is a part of being a man.

Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all must have never had to deal with Valentine’s Day.

Cover your crotch Norse, and study with caution.

Matt Stanton is a junior liberal arts major at NKU and a stand-up comedian. You can contact Matt at stantonm@nku.edu.

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
Holiday focuses on women