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The Northerner

Prepared students succeed

Matt Stanton

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Dust off your book bag, put down that adult beverage and start setting the alarm clock – it’s a new semester.

Set those goals high. Start anew. No parking tickets, no late assignments and no more reliving the infamous unzipped fly in speech class fiasco.

Your New Year’s resolution to quit smoking may have failed (hey, only one in three people die from cancer, right?), but when it comes to starting a new semester, everyone has a clean slate.

Missy Knoitall, author of The New York Times bestseller “Good College Tips for Bad Students” highlights three strategies for success. Covering the key points of college life, Knoitall makes it easy enough that even a Hoosier could achieve scholastic gold.

To begin to be successful, you must first get to class. This is no easy task. Northern Kentucky University’s daily scavenger hunt, the great parking spot search, has been going on since frontier time. Daniel Boone used to be late to class because that jerk Simon Kenton would double-park his new wagon with the muffler tip. You must be an eagle-eyed hunter while searching for your treasure.

Many have fallen victim to the deceptive phantom spot. These spots look open, but are just Toyota Corollas hidden in the shadows of soccer moms’ towering Expeditions.

Knoitall points out that roads are just guidelines. If you must go four-wheeling though the grass, your reward of a parking space will cancel out any reckless driver’s remorse.

Now you have arrived at the concrete jungle known as NKU. Make your way to the classroom; it’s time to find a seat.

Knoitall cautions you to avoid the back row. This mistake can put you in the doghouse with the instructor even before the class begins. You might as well ask, “Do hangovers count as excused absences?”

Sit in the very middle, and if at all possible, sit behind the fat kid. Like a soldier in the jungle, take as much coverage as you can.

Finally, the part that everybody can agree on: It is time to impress the opposite sex. A room full of 20-somethings has so much sexual tension even Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston would feel uncomfortable. The first few weeks of class have more wandering eyes than an optometry convention.

Single people dress to impress during the first weeks of classes, so put those Christmas gift cards to good use. Knoitall points out that smelling good is another overlooked virtue. If no one is sitting within a five-foot radius of you, invest in some Bath and Bodyworks. Please don’t be that smelly kid.

Remember these three tips: park with reckless abandon, hide behind tubby and wash daily. With Knoitall’s tips, even the most clueless freshman can survive college and enjoy a successful semester.

Godspeed my fellow Norse, and study with caution.

Matt Stanton is a junior liberal arts major at NKU and a stand-up comedian. You can contact Matt at stantonm@nku.edu.

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
Prepared students succeed