Going out on the weekends for an all night bender is one of the few things we do well in this area. But as you’re waking up around the crack of noon, wanting to shave your tongue from all the cigarettes you only smoke when you’re drinking, try and think back to what happened last night.

Working off and on as a bouncer for the past three years, I’ve seen you drunk, puking, falling down, fighting, pissing yourself and kissing the ugliest person in the bar. You may not remember me, but I’ll be talking about how big of an ass you were for a while.

I’ve been working at Cosmo’s in the Mainstrasse Village for almost a year. My first experience of Covington happened during Mardi Gras. I was told it wasn’t as wild as the year before, but I think people made up for it by drinking more. All the bars were packed and we had a line out the door. For some unknown reason almost every girl in line was trying to flash their way in. It didn’t matter if they were 21 or 51; they were putting them in my face. Most were nice, but there’s something sick about seeing a woman your mother’s age flash her drooping, weathered, “Something About Mary,” tits.

Almost every night people drink so much they forget who they are. The girls turn into porn queens. They think everyone wants to see them shake their ass and show their undersized panties, when in reality, the only ones watching not in disgust, are the guys who are drunker than they are. These are usually the ones I’m pulling out of the bathroom because they just couldn’t wait to get naked with someone. One girl pleaded with me not to throw them out because she just had to have this guy’s member in her mouth. As long as I live, I will never figure out what compels people to do these things. Do they not think anyone is watching?

Guys are another story. They have a bad habit of turning into Superman. No one can hurt them, so when another guy bumps into them they feel the need to test their strength. It’s events like this that make my job really interesting. Most people stop when told, and for those who don’t, they get a VIP pass to the Police club, the only place in town open all night.

I’ve seen just about all I care to, but it seems like every night I see something new. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten drunk and done way too many things to keep me out of the PTA, much less political office. I am not trying to tell anyone not to go out, drink or have fun. I just want you to know that I’ve got a great view from the other side of the bar.