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The Northerner

Psychic predictions for the new year

Jeanie Fortune

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It’s that special time of year again. The time of year, when business is booming. My clients have been coming in non-stop since the turn of the year, saying “What does this year hold for me Jeanie Fortune: Psychic Extraordinaire?” And for a certain price, I let them know.

However, I’m aware that not everyone has the money that many of my world famous celebrity clients do. Many of those most curious about the upcoming year are college students who can’t afford that luxury of a personal psychic.

Trust me. I know.

So, in order to “keep it real” with the young people, I, Jeanie Fortune: Psychic Extraordinaire, am offering free of charge, these predictions for the upcoming year. Don’t worry about thanking me, because I already know how thankful you are.

Prediction 1: CELEBRITY SURVIVOR: In an attempt to regain the astronomical ratings ths show once had, Survivor producers will introduce Celebrity Survivor. The show will feature sixteen celebrities living on a deserted resort, with only cheeses and party favors to live on. Among those competing will be David Hasslehoff, Bob Saget, Posh Spice, Corey Feldman, Jaleel White, and Steve Gutenberg. The show’s climax will occur when the group is narrowed to four people: Rikki Lake and the Hansen brothers. Lake will unsuccessfully try to plant seeds of mistrust among the brothers, and be the first of the four Mmmm-bopped off the island. After a suspenseful final episode, the oldest brother will win, and walk away with the million, which he willingly splits with his brothers. If you don’t believe me, just wait and see.

Prediction 2: MICHAEL JORDAN TO RETIRE FROM BASKETBALL: For the third time in my illustrious career as a psychic, I am predicting retirement from Mr. “Air” Jordan. However, in an attempt to dominate another sport, he will join the MLW league (Major League Wiffleball). After a month of play, he will be given the nickname “Mr. Wiff.” However, it will not be due to his league dominance. After retiring from the MLW league, Jordan will go to Hollywood to begin work on a Space Jam sequel. After a Golden Globe nomination for best actor, he will go on to star in bigger and better things, such as Space Jam 3, and Space Jam 4.

In an interesting side note, the Golden Globe award show will be sponsored by Nike this year.

Prediction 3: DAVID HASSLEHOFF’S NEW ALBUM WILL FLOP IN THE UNITED STATES: To the surprise of many, Germany’s golden boy, David Hasslehoff’s new album, which will be called “Swimming Into My Heart,” will not sell nearly as well in the United States as it will in Germany. Sales will pick up slightly when he changes the album’s name to “Driving Into Your Heart With Kit. You remember Kit, right?”

Prediction 4: STAR WARS MOVIE TO DO BIG NUMBERS AT BOX OFFICE: As even some non-psychics know, the upcoming Star Wars movie will do big numbers at the box office. However, what many don’t know is that most of the movie’s success will be attributed to the film’s opening scene in which George Lucas apologizes to audience members of the mistake that was Jar Jar Binks, and informs them that there will be radical changes in his character. Jar Jar Binks will not be in Episode 2 until the closing credits. While they roll, Jar Jar will encourage audience members to join him in doing his new dance, “The Jar Jar Hand Jive.”

Prediction 5: THE JAR JAR HAND JIVE WILL BE SEEN IN DANCE CLUBS EVERYWHERE. Nuff said.

At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I know that many of you are thinking one or two of these may not come true. But please keep in mind that I am a psychic, and I don’t presume to know the future. I actually know it. Until we meet again (and we will; trust me), just know that you don’t know what I know, but you can know that which I know if you know to come to me, Jeanie Fortune: Psychic Extaordinaire, for all of your psychic advice. I’ll be seeing you soon. Count on it. I know I will.

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The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.
Psychic predictions for the new year