Maybe you missed the weather forecast and were caught completely unaware of the storm raging during the walk between classes, or maybe you’re too fashion-conscious to parade around with the mangled monstrosity that is your umbrella. Or maybe you woke up late for a class that you’re one absence away from failing and didn’t have time to look for cover, but you’re not about to let the rain destroy your morning effort to tame your hair (even for those of us whose ‘effort’ amounts to using a hand as a comb). So before you run out the door, you get an epiphany and grab The Northerner to use as an umbrella. It’s a common enough alternative to actually reading it, but there are many more ways you can find utilitarian uses for the paper while simultaneously showing your blatant disrespect for the news.
Tried and true
The most outwardly visible of newspaper ingenuity has to be the umbrella. After all, what repels water better than a thin layer of paper? “But The Northerer,” you ask. “How do I fashion one of these contraptions for myself?” Grab the paper firmly between your hands, and open. Raise above head quickly if already in the rain, and slowly if not (you’re trying to keep yourself dry, not attract attention to the fact that you may very well be crazy).
Wrapping paper is HOW much?
The holiday season is nigh, and to make matters worse, you’re a college student. And sure you love mom and dad, but you’ve been eating Ramen Noodles for the last couple of semesters and you see the letter E so often in your car that you start having flashbacks to your days struggling in kindergarten to learn the vowels. The solution? After you scrape up the money to get a real present, wrap that baby up in the timeliest of wrapping papers: an issue of The Northerner. If you see your parents start to raise an eyebrow at your thrifty wrapping choice, hurriedly comment on the urban flair you’ve given Christmas this year.
Getting those extra dollars
Although the days of being required to put covers on your books are long over, it’s still probably a good idea, especially if you have spent half the semester eagerly awaiting the day you can sell your copy of “Information Systems