The “freshman fifteen” is a phenomenon that has baffled scientists for years. Why do students get so fat once they enter college? Is it their environment? Is it peer pressure? Is it that darn rock ‘n’ roll music? I think I have discovered the cause of the problem.
Like all great global issues, many factors are coming into play. I have narrowed them down and plan to expose them to the masses.
First and foremost, the dreadful meal plan for on-campus students is to blame. The meal plan, while good in theory, leaves you with no choice but to pack the food away. For those of you not familiar with the concept of the meal plan, you pay a sum of money at the beginning of the semester and receive a ration of meals you can get per week. The problem with this is they have two levels. The cheaper level is the Olsen twin diet. For only $50 a week you can have three square crackers a day.
The other plan stuffs you like a Thanksgiving turkey. For only $60 a week you can dip all of the Whoppers in chocolate you want. I call this the Kirsty Alley plan.
As if the meal plan wasn’t enough, some students feel the urge to bring food to the classroom. God forbid you can’t go 45 minutes without stuffing your face with Doritos. I don’t mind, but some people get ridiculous. It is a bit hard to learn when your neighbor is setting up a salad bar. Ranch dressing on my notebook is counter-productive.
As if you weren’t stuffed from the meal plan or the classroom Golden Coral, then on-campus activities are going to get you.
College is a time for young minds to interact with other young minds. There is no better way to do so than to join a campus club. On any given day, you can find a campus club meeting, and at every meeting you can also find pizza. Pizza is a staple of all on-campus meetings. When you hear the words “free pizza” you will find a horde of college students. It doesn’t matter what the club, pizza and freeloading students are quite fond of each other. Catholics at the Baptist Student Union? Doesn’t matter – $1 lunch. Men at Women’s Empowerment? If there is free pizza you better believe it, sister. Republicans at a College Democrats meeting? Who cares? Double the pizza.
So now that the truth is out there, don’t let the “freshman fifteen” get you. Run, do some push ups and put the cheesecake down. Visit an athletic center more than your taste buds visit a chocolaty center of a Three Musketeers. If you don’t watch out, when graduation comes around they might have to roll you up to get your diploma. Watch your weight Norse, and study with caution.
Matt Stanton is a junior liberal arts major at NKU and a stand-up comedian. You can contact Matt at firstname.lastname@example.org.