The one complaint that I hear most around campus is how unsightly it is. “The concrete prison,” they say. No one ever wants to help and throw ideas out on how we can beautify our campus. I feel it is my duty as a voice of the common man to express these suppressed cries of the student body.
I may watch too much “Trading Spaces.” I may have a mad crush on Paige Davis. These things may be true, but I can’t keep these ideas down any longer. Rise up and be heard. That is exactly what I did. I made a three-pronged attack on how we can doll up our school.
First and foremost, we need good scenery. We have already started with the reconstruction of Lake Inferior, but making it bigger isn’t going to help anything. We need to use both sides of our brains, practically and creatively.
Yes, a better drainage system is needed, but why stop there? Be inventive when we are planning on changing our view. Everyone has seen a lake on campus, but what about a water park? How great would it be to take a water slide from the Fine Arts building to BEP? Have you ever not smiled after riding down a slide? (I didn’t think so.) A pirate ship wouldn’t hurt either.
With the landscape taken care of, I move on to the structures of campus. “But Matt, how can you make those ugly slabs of rock called “buildings”, not such an eyesore?” Oh, student body, how you doubt me. All we need is some piazzas. We can make campus look like the Vegas strip. Nunn Hall could have illuminated palm trees. Old Science topped by a waving cowboy. At the end of each day we could have a fireworks display like Disney world. Lets give some flash to our dull campus.
Okay, we have started tackling the problems of scenery and the architecture, but let’s not forget about the students themselves. Don’t think I was going to over look you. I know you are supposed to work with what you got, but let’s face it: Not every Norse is a “10.” That is why I propose model scholarships. We need to recruit better-looking students. Bring the hotness to Highland Heights: a panel of judges, including Tyra Banks and Lorenzo Lamas, deciding who is hot enough to graze the halls of Landrum.
Hot kids can’t be taught by average looking instructors. Start hiring Chippendale dancers and Playboy Bunnies to educate our young minds. They might not be as smart in history or math, but they will teach you one of life’s key lessons: Looking good is all that matters.
Gorgeous scenery, buildings with bling bling and sexy people – campus is looking better already, isn’t it? No longer will outsiders scoff at Northern. We will become the sexiest campus known to man. Move over, California!
Matt Stanton is a junior liberal arts major at NKU and a stand-up comedian. You can contact Matt at firstname.lastname@example.org.